She gets up while it is still night

Proverbs 31:15 She gets up while it is still night; she provides food for her family and portions for her female servants

I understand proverbs 31:15. It hit me this weekend and I wasn’t even trying to. I have been asking myself a question over and over again lately, kind of a test or a check of my vitals. Am I who I want to be when I grow up? The answer is always no or almost or not quite. Well that always brings on the next question, why? What is stopping me from being who I want to be or even being who I am called to be? The only answer is myself.

I have a fantastic job. I am a home daycare provider. I get to be home with my two children and am paid to watch 5 other kids while I am watching my own. My morning commute is fantastic. I walk from my bedroom, down a set of stairs and to the living room couch. My daycare opens at 7:00 however the first kid usually doesn’t arrive until 7:30. I try to sleep or at least lay under a blanket and play games on my phone until that happens. My dress is casual. There is no traffic. The gas is free. Blah blah blah, I am getting somewhere. My point is I set my alarm at 6:57. I press snooze one time, which means I am out of my bed at 7:06. Once kid number one arrives my job is far less luxurious than I first described. I had envisioned all this free time since I was at my home all day, right. I am lucky to get the dishwasher loaded and maybe get a load of clothes completely cycled in the laundry. Have the house picked up, yeah right, maybe just the living room and ½ the kitchen, the area the parents see. 7 kids is a lot of work.

Well I started asking myself if I am not who I want to be when I grow up, why is that and take a step back, who is that. I made a list. I am a list person for sure. That is the way God wired me. Here is my list of things I want to daily. I feel that if I had focus and discipline to do these everyday, my answers might start changing to my questions.

Just a side note, I know that most of my blog entries are like dear journal, I will write to you every day and then the next entry is not until 8 months later. The direction this particular entry is taking sounds like it is going in the same direction and it also sounds very self-help. Please know a couple things. Again, this is who I am and how God wired me. I do not have everything figured out, you just are getting a glimpse of how God is speaking to me and direction he is giving me.

Ok back to my train of thought. Who do I want to be when I grow up? I want to be someone who daily does the things below:

Have time in the word; even if it is just 3 verses a day. I do not think the bible in a year is the program for me. I find that I am just reading it to check it off the list. I want to understand it. There has been a block before where I could not comprehend what I was reading and I think it is being lifted. Matthew 5:6 says I am blessed because I am hungry and thirsty for righteousness and I will be filled. I am hungry to really understand the word.

Have time in prayer.

Have time to pray specifically for my husband

Have time set aside to pray for Anna Beth

Have time set aside to pray for Lydia

Read a book (I’m thinking its time for a good fiction book, my brain needs a rest from my current reality)

Write. I am not a fantastic writer but I have a lot on my heart and lots of ideas swimming in my brain. I think if I release some to paper more will come. There is a book inside of me somewhere; I just need to find it.

Journal. I have put journaling on pause because I am trying to finish a catch up project. Its so silly. I feel behind, so I try to catch up but I am missing out on the current. The today. Do you know how many todays I have missed? Today I am going to jump in where I am.

Tapestry Admin / Tapestry planning stuff. I am my husband’s admin. Many would not like that but for me and my control freak issues, I cant imagine anyone else doing it. But I think I need to ramp it up before he fires me. Insert smile. He loves me, he needs me, I just need to give those duties a little more attention. If I set time aside each day to focus on it, I will be right on track.

Email. Current number of email in my inbox: 3,186. Enough said. Not acceptable. It is choking me.

LMNOP Planning. LMNOP is the name of my home daycare. It is pretty low maintenance but I do have records I need to keep and there is always the promise of surprise inspections. If I work on it a little each day, the fear of the surprise inspection will lesson. Or at least that is what I am telling myself.

IHOP Journaling. What the heck is IHOP journaling? It is something I made up. It has revolutionized my prayer life. So you know about the 24/7 prayer stream. Well what I do is turn it on and pull out a journal. I write down lyrics of songs, verses that are spoken from scriptures and prayers that are prayed that resonate with me. Here is an example,

Power and boldness

Anoint messengers

Let your word go forth

Signs and wonders

Release you spirit

I want to serve you with all my heart

Release boldness

Release your word

Release your power

Pour out your spirit

May I never be the same

Reveal Jesus

That’s what I wrote down. Now watch what I do with it. God release your

power in my life. Increase boldness in my life. I cannot do it on my own, I need your power and boldness. Anoint messengers. Let your word go forth ahead of me. Release signs and wonders. Release your spirit in my life (or I could even turn this into a prayer I could pray for someone else). Help me to serve you with a whole heart. Release boldness, release your word, release your power pour out your spirit. May I never be the same. Reveal Jesus, in my life. Reveal Jesus in the life of my neighbor. Reveal Jesus in the market place. Reveal Jesus to non-believers. Reveal your son. Let all come to know Him.

Whalaa there is a pray I can pray. Its kind of like a prayer 101 class for me. I

love being in his presence and Have learned so much in the process.

Household maintenance stuff. Chore charts, menu planning, laundry, systems and processes that help make our family unit and house run smoothly. Making sure clutter stays out and peace can come in. That kinda stuff. I figure its better to do a little each day instead of 3 hour marathons after I have noticed it slipping (which of course is too late)

Invest in others. I have heard it spoken from a pulpit twice in a month. A call for older to invest in younger. Not sure what it looks like but gonna set time aside for it.

AB prayer journal. I want my kids to know a life of prayer. I do not want them to have to teach themselves a prayer 101 crash course when they are in their 30s. I have a great prayer journal set up for her, its just a matter of me being consistent with helping her do it.

Tapestry Kiddos planning. Do you know I am entrusted with all the Tapestry Kiddos. Man I need to be faithful with the time I invest in this. These kids are amazing. I have a huge load I gladly get to carry. God is really showing me things about this role. I want to give myself to this calling.

Old journaling project. So I have issues, especially when it comes to journaling. Ever since I was little the sight of a blank journal gave me anxiety. I had much I wanted to write but was afraid if I said I was gonna do AB and C and then ½ way thru I wanted to add a D or change the order to BCA then I would have to start all over with a fresh journal. I also would think ½ way through that it wasn’t important or no one would want to read it, etc, etc. So basically I have about 20 journals ¼ used up and then empty. One day I lined them all up in chronological order, ripped out all the pages with writing and then threw the blank pages away. I have been taking the old entries and transferring them to a very nice leather book so they are all in one place. I started that project years ago. I would like to get it off my plate. How do I do that, one page a day right.

Write out Dustin’s health story. My husband wants to start blogging about the last 6 months of his life. However memory seems to be a small problem. I need to get some of the facts written out for him. Bless his heart and mine but we have been told so many different things in the past 6 months and still are not sure what the final diagnosis is. Stay tuned for more info. Not gonna write the spoiler before we even write the story.

What I love about ____. An idea I have had and I want to give a daily entry for all 3 of my loves. I did a what I love about you entry for Dustin in my blog years ago on our anniversary and he loved it. I wish I had written in it daily. I did one entry for AB when she was 18 months old. Lydia, well lets just say she is 20 months old and all my thoughts are still in my head.

Pheww, that’s a lot of daily things. Well after I wrote those all down this past Saturday I finally felt like that would start to change my answer of am I who I want to be. If I did all these things that are always on my mind that I think about each night as I go to be, then maybe just maybe I will be who I want to be when I grow up.

Am I gonna stress to get them all done, heck yes…for the first 3 days before I fall of the bandwagon but GRACE is so amazing isn’t it. Maybe I will be good to get those things all done in a week but ya know, it just feels right. So Saturday, I made my list but then it hit me. This is similar to a list (that was never written down) of what I had envisioned my life would be like when the daycare started and I quit my fancy job. When in the world would I get this all done. God quickly whispered to me. “She gets up while it is still night” And it hit me like a ton of bricks. That is why the 31 chick was so successful, she had time alone every morning just herself. Well If I am going to be the mom I need to be, the wife I need to be, the daycare provider, the tapestry kiddos pastor, the tapestry admin, my husband’s help, the runner of the home, and be myself, the person I want to be, I need more time to get this list done. I am going to have to wake up before my family gets up. Me and Jesus time.

Well if any of you know me you know I am a morning person and 5 years ago it wouldn’t have been an issue but let me tell you, the life I live takes a toll on you. I need sleep. I did the math and if I can go to bed at 10 and wake up at 6, I will have had 8 hours sleep.

I stand before you today (well actually sit) at my dining room table a chick who just completed her first morning of early extra alone time. The first daycare kiddo is here, Dustin is all ready for work and sitting in the living room putting his socks on. But I did it. I woke up at 6, went downstairs had my alone time and the first kiddo came at 7:30 (like clockwork). I am surrounded by an iPad (with the 24/7 stream), my prayer journal, my bible, my kindle, my phone, my journal, a pen and paper, my laptop and as soon as I figure out the automatic timer on my coffee pot in the future I can add a nice cup of coffee to the list.

Of course the proverbs 31 chick woke up while it was still night. Do you know how valuable an hour and a half of alone time is? I think I will be able to survive today. I have energy I cannot explain. I have peace of mind from all the writing. I have a plan. I have hope. I have life. I am renewed.